02/03/2009. Contributed by Paul Skevington
pub: Papercutz. 48 page comic. Price: $ 3.95 (US), $ 4.95 (CAN).
check out website: www.papercutz.com/tc/tc.html
I'm pausing here as I begin the task of attempting to elaborate on how truly, terrifyingly awful this issue of 'Tales From The Crypt' is. I really, really want to find something good to say about it, but that would be a bit like turning up at Jack the Ripper's funeral and praising him for being a bit of a lady's man. I couldn't be more disappointed if I'd tuned in to an episode of the 'Tales From The Crypt' TV series and found that they'd replaced the Crypt Keeper with Skeletor and changed the usual spooky tale for an educational film about road safety.
If only this comic were that exciting.
OK, lets dissect this corpse then. The first story is entitled 'She Who Would Rule The World' and features a scientist named Doctor Douglas Chandler, who looks like Superman with liver failure. One day, Douglas is contacted by his old mentor, who tells him that he has invented a miraculous medical technique that allows the patient to 'adapt' to damage.
'How is this accomplished?' I hear you ask. Don't worry, reader; you will never be troubled by anything so upsetting as an explanation in this tale. Doctor Doug hilariously tells us that regarding the specifics of the experiment he 'Dare not share this with others and allow it to be repeated.' Completely understandable I say and the fact that reticence allows the tale to avoid coming up with any rationale behind this ludicrous 'plot' is only a secondary effect. I'm angry that you even brought it up, actually.
The two of them then decide to use the technique on a tramp with AIDS just for kicks. The tramp is called Nephthys, hinting at the exotic past of this character, that will become of key import towards the end of the story when...oh hang on. No! Actually that's never explained neither. Cool name though, huh?
Several days after the treatment, Nephthys recovers, revealing herself to be a beautiful woman, if you find botoxed time-travellers from the seventies attractive that is.
Unpredictably, Neph, Nurp...Nancy becomes a homicidal maniac, killing people for unfathomable reasons. Doctor Chandler falls in love with her, presumably for her ability to do Two-Face impressions and oh, for the love of god, someone make it stop.
The second tale is 'Virtual Hoo Doo' and immediately impresses with art that appears to be of student magazine quality. In it, an unscrupulous executive somehow steals a game from an unpopular office geek and sells it for his own profit. That's right, a video game, created by one person. What decade is the title living in exactly?
The game is called 'Monster Neighbourhood' and appears to be 'The Sims' for special people. The geek then uses a spell to make the characters of the game come to life and enact vengeance on all those who have done him wrong. All I can say is, it's lucky the comic's readers don't have access to the same spell or issue nine would be a little late in coming.
If 'Tales From The Crypt' is to continue, I sincerely hope that they re-examine the type of stories and the quality of the scripts and art.
The words 'avoid' and 'plague' apply.
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