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A Barberís Hairy Tales

01/11/2011. Contributed by Geoff Willmetts

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a hair-cut short story by: GF Willmetts. You know, there are some barbers who talk and some donít. Iím one of those who talks. Did you know that some shrinks think itís to do with distracting the upper brain while the hands get on with their work?

Probably explains why taxi drivers are so lippy as well. They must be bored seeing the same streets all the time and run off at the mouth as something to do. Personally, I think when you come for a haircut, you want a little entertainment as well, just so you donít worry how much hair you leave behind.

Giving a decent haircut is an art, yíknow. If I cheated and cut only enough, youíd be back to have another haircut in a couple weeks. You might also go somewhere else who would do the job correctly. Give you a decent cut. A haircut should last about six weeks before you have a need to see me again. Thatís the long term plan. Quick haircuts are for amateurs. You learn quickly to do a decent job in my business. Not that I can see you coming back but this is my profession.

I heard a good joke the other day. A man walks into a barberís with a rabbit and says he wants his hare done. I said why donít you try the vet down the road. Did I say he was carrying his pet? Maybe it works better written down.

A lot of the jokes we say have to do with my profession. Would it be right to tell jokes about other professions? It might upset those who are waiting for their haircut and that would never do. Would a butcher like it if I asked if heíd come to see me for a chop? About the only one who might is old Hymie down the road. But heís Jewish and a good Yiddish storyteller. Youíd love a joke from him no matter what heís talking about. Has a voice you want to listen to. Iím not always so good as him. But then again, he doesnít cut hair with no questions asked like I do. Iíve got a head start there. A head start, hehehehe. Well, you would know that if youíd been left intact.

A man walks into a barberís and says he wants a blow job. I tells him that for that he needs to go to the cathouse down the road. Now that one is a good one. A little risquť perhaps but I donít think youíll complain.

Guess he couldnít tell the difference between a dry blow and a blow job. Hardly the same thing and I donít run that kind of barberís. You should have seen his face when I explained the difference. Not that kind of man neither. People donít always know what they say. As a barber, I end up being a good reader of people. Itís very easy to spot the idiots. I mean, if you saw a queue of people waiting for a hair-cut, then you know youíd be there for the morning and read the newspapers. Youíd be surprised at how many donít even pick them up and go for the kids comics. They just like being herded together for the morning. Anyone with common-sense would come back when I have a quiet spell, like in the afternoon like you were when you were left here. Then again, so many people arenít really here just for the hair-cut, just a quiet way to get some condoms. Something for the weekend, sir. That is if youíre going to lucky. Bet thereís a lady serving at the chemistís. Bet she doesnít tell jokes.

Take you for instance. Your friend brought you in for me to give you a haircut and rinse so that your mother could recognise you. You were pretty bloody when he brought you in. Hardly surprising, the way he left you. Iím sure you were in a fight with himÖand lost. Considering he had an axe in his hands when he met you, Iím surprised you didnít run. But heís a good chap and wants to make amendsÖno matter how small. That or reduce his genetic fingerprint. Quite what sheíd make of the absence of body, I donít know. Probably glad to have a little of you back. My luck, youíll probably have a closed coffin but if anyone peeks inside then theyíll see you were taken care of. Made to look nice again.

Necks, please. Except you donít have one. Yíknow, my clients arenít always so bodiless. Then again, youíll appreciate whatever I do. Youíre a client. Havenít cared what Iíve said and Iíve resisted saying too many headless jokes. So you just wait quietly until Chopper comes back for you. Wouldnít want to upset him. Iíd like to keep my head on my neck. At least he tips well. I take it you wonít want anything for the weekend? Thought not. But best to ask.

© GF Willmetts 2011

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