a hair-cut short story by: GF Willmetts. You know, there are some barbers who talk and some don’t. I’m one of those who talks. Did you know that some shrinks think it’s to do with distracting the upper brain while the hands get on with their work?

Probably explains why taxi drivers are so lippy as well. They must be bored seeing the same streets all the time and run off at the mouth as something to do. Personally, I think when you come for a haircut, you want a little entertainment as well, just so you don’t worry how much hair you leave behind.

Giving a decent haircut is an art, y’know. If I cheated and cut only enough, you’d be back to have another haircut in a couple weeks. You might also go somewhere else who would do the job correctly. Give you a decent cut. A haircut should last about six weeks before you have a need to see me again. That’s the long term plan. Quick haircuts are for amateurs. You learn quickly to do a decent job in my business. Not that I can see you coming back but this is my profession.



I heard a good joke the other day. A man walks into a barber’s with a rabbit and says he wants his hare done. I said why don’t you try the vet down the road. Did I say he was carrying his pet? Maybe it works better written down.

A lot of the jokes we say have to do with my profession. Would it be right to tell jokes about other professions? It might upset those who are waiting for their haircut and that would never do. Would a butcher like it if I asked if he’d come to see me for a chop? About the only one who might is old Hymie down the road. But he’s Jewish and a good Yiddish storyteller. You’d love a joke from him no matter what he’s talking about. Has a voice you want to listen to. I’m not always so good as him. But then again, he doesn’t cut hair with no questions asked like I do. I’ve got a head start there. A head start, hehehehe. Well, you would know that if you’d been left intact.

A man walks into a barber’s and says he wants a blow job. I tells him that for that he needs to go to the cathouse down the road. Now that one is a good one. A little risqué perhaps but I don’t think you’ll complain.

Guess he couldn’t tell the difference between a dry blow and a blow job. Hardly the same thing and I don’t run that kind of barber’s. You should have seen his face when I explained the difference. Not that kind of man neither. People don’t always know what they say. As a barber, I end up being a good reader of people. It’s very easy to spot the idiots. I mean, if you saw a queue of people waiting for a hair-cut, then you know you’d be there for the morning and read the newspapers. You’d be surprised at how many don’t even pick them up and go for the kids comics. They just like being herded together for the morning. Anyone with common-sense would come back when I have a quiet spell, like in the afternoon like you were when you were left here. Then again, so many people aren’t really here just for the hair-cut, just a quiet way to get some condoms. Something for the weekend, sir. That is if you’re going to lucky. Bet there’s a lady serving at the chemist’s. Bet she doesn’t tell jokes.

Take you for instance. Your friend brought you in for me to give you a haircut and rinse so that your mother could recognise you. You were pretty bloody when he brought you in. Hardly surprising, the way he left you. I’m sure you were in a fight with him…and lost. Considering he had an axe in his hands when he met you, I’m surprised you didn’t run. But he’s a good chap and wants to make amends…no matter how small. That or reduce his genetic fingerprint. Quite what she’d make of the absence of body, I don’t know. Probably glad to have a little of you back. My luck, you’ll probably have a closed coffin but if anyone peeks inside then they’ll see you were taken care of. Made to look nice again.

Necks, please. Except you don’t have one. Y’know, my clients aren’t always so bodiless. Then again, you’ll appreciate whatever I do. You’re a client. Haven’t cared what I’ve said and I’ve resisted saying too many headless jokes. So you just wait quietly until Chopper comes back for you. Wouldn’t want to upset him. I’d like to keep my head on my neck. At least he tips well. I take it you won’t want anything for the weekend? Thought not. But best to ask.

© GF Willmetts 2011

All rights reserved
Ask before borrowing