Fantastic Four (Frank's Take)
01/08/2005 . Source: Frank Ochieng 
In director Tim Story’s (Barbershop, Taxi) banally bloated sci-fi fantasy Fantastic Four, the storytelling is so anemically conceived that this soulless superhero saga has all the thrilling vibes of an elevator ride at your local shopping mall, says Frank. Buy Fantastic Four in the USA - or Buy Fantastic Four in the UK  Fantastic Four (2005) 20th Century Fox. 2 hours 2 minutes. Starring:
Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis, Julian McMahon, Chris Evans, Kerry
Washington, Hamish Linklater, Laurie Holden, David Parker. Directed by: Tim
Story.
Almost half a century ago, comic book titans Stan Lee and Jack Kirby gave life
to a quartet of colorful cosmic superheroes that would jumpstart the legendary
entity known as the Marvel Comics universe.
Refreshingly, the creation of The Fantastic Four during the backdrop of The
Cold War Space Age would help shape the vivid imaginations of comic book enthusiasts
for decades to come. Although the animated exploits of Dr. Reed Richards and
his three gifted associates would explode into the consciousness of die hard
readers through the glorious printed pages of Lee’s escapist publications, the
same cannot be said for the lumbering feature length film that doesn’t do justice
to the fearless foursome.
Mindless and meandering, this story’s unfocused action-oriented entertainment
will pass only as a trite treat to genuine FF fans who should expect more from
this flimsy fable concerning the powerful protagonists and their majestic skills.
Although overwrought with special effects galore, Fantastic Four is shockingly
cheesy and generic without the slightest clue as to how to capture the essence
of its enthralling comic book-based inspiration. One wonders if an added character
named Sleeperman would consider joining Reed Richards’s crew because then this
simplistic sci-fi dud could have been dubbed as Fantastic Snore.
Disappointingly, Fantastic Four arrives on the scene with great expectations
but poor execution. Saddled with dimwitted dialogue, derivative characterizations
and a misguided sense of atmospheric camp, Story patches together a grand but
woefully goofy popcorn flick that does nothing to lift the continuous craftiness
of the superhero genre flicks. In a prominent cinematic age where audiences
have been gleefully spoiled by well-made and sophisticated entries such as the
Spider-Man and X-Men film franchises along with the introspective and brooding
overtones of Batman Begins, Fantastic Four really needed to demonstrate its
creative viable mode. It would have been fascinating to witness another involving
character study of redemptive rogues forging an existence in a complicated world
that doesn’t quite understand their self-imposed uniqueness. Instead, Story
turns his conventional project into an overproduced and clumsy B-movie without
a heart attached to its so-called witty convictions.
Scientist Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd from King Arthur) is desperate and needs
to rescue his reputation as a respected researcher. He hastily makes plans to
launch himself into space in order to focus upon the human impact involving
DNA studies within the cosmos. Along for the mission are his best friend astronaut
Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis from television’s gritty cop show The Shield); Reed’s
curvaceous ex-girlfriend Susan Storm (Jessica Alba of Sin City); Susan’s free-wheeling
sibling Johnny Storm (Chris Evans, Cellular); and Victor Von Doom (Nip/Tuck’s
Julian McMahon), the project’s financial backer and soon-to-be foe of Reed’s.
In fact, it was Von Doom that lured Susan away from Richards thus capturing
her affections.
While undergoing some tricky solar wind effects, the experiments take a turn
for the worse. The results are devastating and all five of the space station
dwellers find themselves undergoing transitional changes in their body makeup.
Soon the mysterious exposure to the toxic radiation rays allows our crew to
assume amazing superpowers that they will take back to Earth with them. While
Reed, Ben, Susan and Johnny realize the tremendous new powers that can help
humanity, Victor shares a contrary opinion as to how to use his newfound talents—by
being vindictive and using his abilities to get even with Reed via a selfish
vendetta.
So how fantastic are these victims of space-related circumstances gone awry?
Well, Reed’s (or Mr. Fantastic if you will) body stretches like an overgrown
elastic band. Ben’s (now christened The Thing) body is a foul-mouthed massive
pile of orange rocks to go along with his extraordinary brute strength. Susan
is the Invisible Girl that can also produce force fields. As for Johnny (a.k.a.
The Human Torch), he’s a walking flame-throwing specimen so it’s safe to assume
that everybody considers this boytoy as “hot stuff”. With Victor, he’s able
to turn into metal while donning the dastardly persona of “Doctor Doom”. As
mentioned earlier, Victor has no wish to play goody-goody and looks forward
to making life miserable for his fellow mutants or anybody else that chooses
to step in his insidious path.
Because of their distinctive duties as crime-fighting citizens whose superpowers
help keep New York City in check, the masses have nicknamed the gang “Fantastic
Four”. Granted the group wants to return to their normal selves but their destiny
as valiant oddballs pretty much keeps them on their toes as glorified protectors
of the region. And so the questions are asked: will the Fantastic Four find
a way to cope with their special gifts as creepy crime-stoppers? As for Victor/Dr.
Doom, will he succeed in exacting revenge on his former colleagues and take
advantage of his special abilities to suit his destructive needs?
It is really kind of hard to pinpoint what Story envisioned his take on the
Fantastic Four to be in the conceptual department. Also screenwriters Michael
France and Mark Frost certainly doesn’t help matters with an awkwardly scant
script. Riddled with cheap and forced laughs, tired and overused contemporary
TV catchphrases (since when is it a riotous gesture to start ripping off Donald
Trump’s “You’re Fired” from NBC’s popular reality program The Apprentice?) and
obvious sight gags, it’s clear that Story and his cohorts have no sense in how
to helm a big budgeted movie that celebrates its intended irreverence. There’s
no even balance where viewers can absorb the angst-ridden complexities and wise-cracking
moments that is supposed to be a wry commentary on being comfortable in the
skin you’re in at the given moment. Unfortunately for the clueless handlers
behind the staid vehicle Fantastic Four, this venture hardly can sustain its
tepid presentation.
Some may recall the inconsequential 1994 shelved version of Fantastic Four as
overseen by schlock filmmaker Roger Corman. Well, Corman at least had the excuse
to cite his production as an intentional piece of dreck given his reputation
for cradling less-than-sensationalistic cinema as his calling card. However,
what is Story’s excuse for producing such a toothless tale given that he had
the hearty resources to spin what should have been a solid summertime offering?
Wildly shoddy and silly-minded, Fantastic Four may end up joining the ranks
of fellow underwhelming comic book candidates Daredevil and Elektra. So much
for an astounding YIKES!
Interestingly, there’s a 50/50 split among the heroic hellions that defines
their effectiveness. Both Gruffudd and Chiklis are decent as the team’s leader
Mr. Fantastic and black sheep The Thing despite being hindered by the scatterbrained
screenplay. As The Thing, we really see how alienated he is because as the hideous-looking
one of the Fantastic Four, poor Ben Grimm is the ultimate outsider as the raging
orange ogre we all can sympathize with immediately. The Thing is unfairly labeled
and misunderstood given the fact that he is inherently good and represents all
things that are encouraging.
As for the remaining duo, the brother-sister combo of Susan and Johnny Storm
are irritating to say the least. There’s no doubt that Alba is a delicious piece
of eye candy to gawk at uncontrollably. But as the Invisible Girl, it’s quite
ironic that she brings absolutely nothing to the proceedings that we can put
our fingers on. Alba’s Susan Storm is indeed a disappearing act both figuratively
and literally. It’s quite laughable that Alba’s Susan Storm is playing a mouth-watering
shapely sass that just happens to be a genetic physicist.
Hmmm…that’s almost as implausible as fellow busty babes Denise Richards playing
a nuclear physicist in The World is Not Enough or Tara Reid as an archeologist
in the forgettable Alone in the Dark. And Evans’s showboating portrayal as Johnny
Storm/The Torch is just plain arrogant and overbearing. The movie painfully
tries to show us Johnny’s “extreme sporting background” to support his cocky
demeanor but someone needed to seriously snuff the fire from this pretty boy
pyromaniac’s obnoxious antics. Sadly, McMahon’s bid as the bitter Victor Von
Doom/Dr. Doom is uninspired and about as menacing as a schoolyard bully during
recess.
Fantastic Four wants to eagerly promote some sort of flippant attitude with
its pseudo-glossy look and blasting rock-addled soundtrack but this meager display
never takes good care of the exciting impulses it wanted to shove down our hungry
throats. For what it’s worth this is a lean and lame big screen adaptation of
a beloved nostalgic comic book that made the Marvel Comics empire the pop cultural
phenomenon it came to be in the eyes of FF fanatics everywhere.
Geez, just how fantastic could this Flaccid Four be anyway?
Frank Ochieng
(c) Frank Ochieng 2005
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