DVD Region 2. pub: Network 7952602. 90 minute film plus extras. Price: £14.99 (UK). Stars: Jack Palance and John Terry.

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Once up on a time, in an indeterminate but vaguely British-looking kingdom, there were two brothers, sons of a venerable old man who was entrusted with the guardianship of the mighty Mindsword. But the older brother was evil and wanted to take the sword for himself in order to rule the land with wickedness...

This sword-and-sorcery fantasy has everything. Really everything! Terrible, terrible acting. Either completely over-the-top or more wooden than the trees amongst which much of it is set in what look like cardboard sets, dreadful (non)special effects, a disco soundtrack (sword-and-sorcery to a disco soundtrack? It worked for 'Doctor Strange', here it just sounds odd), some of the worst fight scenes ever (half)seen and a plot comprised of just about every cliché you can think of.



Let's see...

Elder son Voltan (the scenery-chewing Jack Palance) loves a beautiful woman, the amazingly forgettable Eliane (played by Catriona MacColl), who falls in love with his brother, the eponymous Hawk (sleep-walked by the wholly wooden John Terry). This turns elder son even more evil than he was before.

Newly-wed couple sneak off on their wedding day for a little private celebration. Elder son turns up to 'claim' what he thinks is his. Cue tragic accident.

Elder son seeks out father to demand the Mindsword, so called because the pommel holds (literally, it's a hand) the last of the Elvish Mind Stones. Simply thinking the sword in your hand calls it to you. Father refuses. Cue further nastiness.

Injured younger son arrives just in time to learn how to use the Mindsword, then meets the one-handed crossbow archer Ranulph and sets out on a quest to overcome evil elder brother, calling upon his old allies to aid him. Then pre-shadowing of 'Krull' or perhaps it's standard for sword-and-sorcery films, we meet the blind but all-seeing sorceress-with-the-staff (Patricia Quinn, Magenta of 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show' though I'd never have known except for the credits); the giant Gort (Bernard Breslaw, slightly less gormless than usual); Crow the elf (Ray Charleson - who? - in five o'clock shadow, extremely dodgy prosthetic ears and very strange and monotonous speech patterns) and Baldin the wise-cracking dwarf... Hmmm...Lord Of The Rings, anyone?

The plot further involves Voltan's kidnap of an Abbess (Annette Crosbie, probably the best acting in the entire film) and demand for ransom and Hawk's various acts of heroism as he and his colleagues attempt to gather the 2,000 gold pieces for the ransom, rescue her and defeat Voltan at the same time. Given that Hawk knows his brother isn't going to release the Abbess even if he gets the ransom, I'm not entirely sure why he bothered to gather the gold in the first place. Although it did lead to a mildly amusing scene with the hunchback Sped...

It has a few good points. Pretty men in tight leather trousers, for example. The nuns are all rather too attractive to have given up their lives for their faith, as well. The soundtrack is fun, even if it does bring to mind Jeff Wayne's 'War Of The Worlds'. The idea of the Mindsword is mildly interesting, even if it is a bit of a rip-off from 'Star Wars'.

HOWEVER...I first saw the film on late night TV in the early 1980s and I've never forgotten it. It's not quite bad or campy enough to make cult classic status, but there's something very memorable about it and not just how bad it is! Seeing it again over 20 years later, I remembered the music, a lot of the dialogue and what passes for the plot. Yes, it's dreadful AND I LOVE IT!

I'd say it's appropriate for everyone but the younger children. There's no sex, no swearing and while there is a lot of 'killing', there's no blood and the action is so patently false it's about as frightening as drying paint. Give it a try. Watch it with a few friends and/or a few beers and some fish 'n' chip shop chips. It'll either raise an embarrassed chuckle or a pained groan and you'll appreciate today's special effect-laden blockbusters all the more!

Oh and don't forget to watch the special features, especially the Clapperboard. They're hysterical. Especially Terry Marcel, the writer and director, who comes out with two classic quotes: they felt there was 'a great need for a spaghetti Western in England' and regarding the plot, 'We looked at Star Wars and Star Trek and saw the types of pictures people were making and felt they wouldn't last much longer. We thought that the next step would be fantasy.' This was at the end of the 1970s during filming. It was released in 1980, so presumably filmed the year before.

Joules Taylor
http://www.wavewrights.com