Remember in the heyday (read: early 90's) when the pizza-swilling, butt-kicking roguish reptiles were all the rage? One couldn't even hide in their shell without being exposed to the progressive propaganda that was the Renaissance-named rascals with the nifty ninja reflexes in the likes of Michelangelo, Leonardo, Raphael and Donatello. The Mutant Ninja Turtles were the ultimate bomb for the kiddies and an absolute guilty pleasure for the grown-ups. So then why are the new and improved crime-fighting cretins seemingly misplaced in the revved-up animated actioner TMNT?

Writer-director Kevin Munroe plays the nostalgia card in bringing back the lovable shelled ones in an updated adventure nearly thirteen years after the film series limped out quietly from moviegoers' consciousness. In TMNT (why the initials...is it too passe to simply spell out "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and call it the day?), Munroe will certainly tap into the reminiscences of old school Turtle enthusiasts while courting a new generation of younger fans to jump on board.

Yesteryear's green-coloured grapplers were the supreme cheesy escapist treats while prancing around in clunky foam rubber-made shell suits in all their goofy-minded glory. However, today's edition-no matter how stylistically CGI enhanced they are in contemporary technological times-lacks the free-spirited spunkiness of the original outing.

The problem with TMNT is that the film is inexplicably dull and doesn't demonstrate the imaginative, fun-filled drive that was previously associated with the masked karate-chopping creatures. Munroe tries to revitalize the Turtle's popularity surge by revisiting the flourishes that made this frenzied foursome entertaining.



Arbitrarily toss in some loose-minded mockery such as the now tiresome "Cowabunga" catchphrase, a selected bunch of excitable digital dalliances with swords and skateboards and the lame jokes/sight gags and you'll have the strained TMNT in an instant nutshell. Although the cheeky Turtles are front and center in glossy and rambunctious form, Munroe's TMNT fails to properly ignite this glorified video game into the pop cultural diversion it was during the very first Bush administration.

To refresh the memories for those that aren't up to speed concerning Turtles folklore the New York-based quartet of furious fighting brothers were raised in the sewer. Their mentor, a rat named Splinter (voiced by the late actor Mako), oversaw their progress as ninja martial artists. The premise finds our giddy heroes away from the crime scene as they wallow in odd jobs.

Donatello (voiced by Mitchell Whitfield) is a tech support phone operator. Michelangelo (voiced by Mickey Kelley) is a kiddie party entertainer. Raphael (voiced by Nolan North) has gone solo to take on the bad guys as a vigilante crime-fighter named The Night Watcher. Leonardo (voiced by James Arnold Taylor) has departed for the South American jungles to improve his skills as a better leader.

Upon the urging of old Turtles friend April O'Neil (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and Casey Jones (Chris Evans, "The Fantastic Four") the super-charged siblings get back together again in a sensational cause to confront the demonic immortal king Max J. Winters (Patrick Stewart). The twisted Max wants to unleash out-of-this-world beastly menaces on the planet in an attempt to control the global community. Before the band of brothers can tackle the wicked Max they must learn to get along as their bickering escalates to new heights.

As for their revered teacher Splinter, he must teach them newer discipline in preparation for their biggest challenge yet. Will the Turtles, along with human sidekicks April and Casey, be able to conquer the sinister Max J. Winters before he ruins the world with his elaborate scheme? Can the nunchuck-loving knuckleheads work cohesively without the sibling rivalry routine?

Clearly, anyone may be in violation of criticizing a carefree, infantile flick such as TMNT because...well, the movie is not to be taken seriously (Maybe it's the mean-spirited, stuff-shirted film critics that are the real villains at large, not Max J. Winters or the Turtles nemesis the Foot Clan?). Oddly, the older Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles instalments would have filled the bill more aptly because of the nonsensical frivolity that was so spontaneous in its originality.

Munroe's jittery vehicle is merely interested in reckless rollicking; there's never any attempt to serve up this bland Turtle soup with anything spicy beyond the mindless mayhem. At least the children got both wacky fun and an off-kilter lesson about teamwork in the old Turtles movie series.

Here, Munroe's kinetic offering is tediously overwrought. The countless fight sequences are pedestrian at best. In fact, the murky cinematography hinders the action-packed high jinks and one cannot distinguish between who's knocking in whose heads. Collectively, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles aren't even colourful characters as they are bogged down with inane dialogue and annoying puns that go over the youngsters' heads. Laurence Fishburne's narration is stiff and indifferent. The animation is passable but you're left yearning for the simplistic 90's version of the padded turtles where the hokey special effects were humble but didn't interfere with the Turtles' impish combativeness. The visual human characterizations are surprisingly flat and uneventful.

Sadly, the kids wouldn't even want to be acquainted with Donatello, Michelangelo, Raphael or Leonardo. Why should they even care when they're overdosing on the aimless cartoonish carnage that persists? No doubt that TMNT will create a notable buzz as the movie franchise looks to develop a new facelift for the fanboy and/or munchkin crowd. Cowabunga, dudes!!

Frank Ochieng

© Frank Ochieng 2007