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The Monster aka I Don't Want To Be Born
01/12/2007 . Source: Rod MacDonald 
DVD Region 2. Pub: Network 795274. 90 minutes with audio commentary. Price: £12.99) stars: Joan Collins, Eileen Atrids, Ralph Bates and Donald Pleasence . Buy The Monster in the USA - or Buy The Monster in the UK  check out website: www.networkdvd.co.uk
Joan Collins, currently appearing in advertisements for the British Post Office and had a former life as an actress though it must be said that some of her films were terrible. I'm afraid 'The Monster' falls into this category.
I was hoping to say something good about at least one of the trio of network DVD movies I've had the pleasure to review recently but they come in threes, don't they? At least this movie was funny in parts, mainly due to the bad acting and there were some scenes of seventies London which proved to be quite interesting from an architectural point of view.
What's this film about? Joan Collins used to be a stripper in a sleazy club. A poisonous dwarf from the club took a fancy to her but, being rejected, he puts a spell on her by saying that her child would be large and nasty. Doesn't cast a good image about small people, does it? History has probably been unkind to people different from the norm and this film is no exception. We are a bit more politically correct today. Surely today we wouldn't cast dwarfs as nasty villainous creatures?
Anyway, tedious as this film is, it progresses along expected lines and is a good cure for insomnia. The baby continues to cause accidents, kill people and create all sorts of mischief. Maybe it's the E numbers in his feed? Eventually, a nun does an exorcism over the baby, the evil spirit is removed and the dwarf dies onstage. This was one of the worst exorcisms I have ever seen in horror movie history. Maybe the film was worth it just for this but I certainly wouldn't pay £9. 99 for the pleasure.
Along with Joan Collins, we also have Ralph Bates in one of his worst ever performances. Donald Pleasance appears as a doctor and Caroline Munro as a stripper. I'm sure all the actors in this film, including the baby, are trying their damnedest to forget it. I tried to find out who played the baby. He would be in his thirties by now but thankfully, probably has no memory of his acting role.
Yes, this is a movie that definitely should not have been resurrected for the main reason that it was rubbish. I certainly wouldn't buy it. Do us a favour, Network. When next you go trawling through the dusty vaults of British movies, be a bit more discriminating about your catch.
Rod MacDonald
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