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The geography of Planet Beach
01/08/2006 . Source: Mark R. Leeper 
There is a business near my house called Planet Beach. This name has always bothered me. You may see the name and leave it at that. I take it a step further. I start thinking about the mathematical meaning of Planet Beach. There is a restaurant called Planet Hollywood. I have always assumed that this meant that the place was like a restaurant you would have on a planet where every thing is like Hollywood. That in itself is a pretty horrifying thought. But at least there is nothing particularly geometrical that says you could not do it. The reason it sounds so nauseating is purely a matter of taste and not logic.
But Planet Beach raises the insanity to a whole new level. Could you actually have a planet that is just beach? Well you could have a dry and sandy planet. That might be a desert planet like Arrakis in DUNE. But does a desert qualify as a beach? No. I think that it is important if you have a beach that it leads to water. In fact, it leads to a lot of water. If there is a lot of sand and not much water I am not sure you could call that a beach.
Of course, a planet need not be named for its most massive feature. It need not be named for its feature of greatest area. Planet Earth has more ocean than earth on its surface. The earth is only about 30% of its surface area. But I still would not call Earth a beach planet. There is too much of the surface of the planet that is isolated too far from the water. You have great inland areas because you have very large landmasses that are the continents.
Now it becomes a more interesting question. Could you mathematically design a planet for a maximal amount of beach? What you would need is a structure of land that is very like an isthmus very nearly everywhere. There are many ways you could cover the surface of the planet with narrow strips of land. That is fine if you are constructing a planet, but few of us ever do that.
Could it occur naturally? Well, I suppose you could have a surface covered by a lot of craters, sort of like the surface of a golf ball, but not so regular. I suppose it could be in close proximity to an asteroid belt so it could be hit frequently by asteroids. Then it would have to hold an atmosphere to have liquid water in the craters. I suppose you could have such a planet and have it covered in large part by beach, but it probably would not be a lot of fun to swim there.
Speaking of the silly mathematics of beaches in science fiction, this all reminds me of one of the only two episodes I saw of the television series "The Lost World". In fact, this story sort of explains why I did not see much more. Our main characters are stranded on the plateau that is Maple White Land. One comes upon a beach of what appears to be an ocean. That would be stupid enough. Professor Challenger hears about it and suggests it might be used as a water route off the plateau. I can picture the geometry of Planet Beach, but a plateau with a beach at the top and a water route off the plateau goes beyond my poor powers to imagine and picture.
My initial thought was that Beach Planet is a place for people who like to go to the beach. I admit that in this instance my intuition was wrong. In fact, it is a tanning salon to make you look like you have been to the beach, but you really have been in the office or home instead. Isn't that something! In our modern world you no longer *have* to go to the beach. You can stay home and watch "American Idol" and "Survivor", then pop over to Planet Beach and come out looking like you spent the day sunbathing on the shore. Why not call the place "Beachless Planet"?
Mark R. Leeper
© Mark R. Leeper 2006
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