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James Bond Is ... An Alien?
It's true, Uncle Geoff, our esteemed editor has definitive proof.
The British secret service's most deadly human weapon turns out not
to be so human after all.
He’s in top physical condition, surviving against all opposition during that time, excessively smoking and drinking that would give anyone else lung cancer or cirrhosis of the liver and womanising with a vengeance with no sexual diseases or maternity lawsuits? Oh, and the interesting fact that he’s had at least five different faces over the years.
All right, the last bit could be put down to plastic surgery. I mean, how could you remain a secret agent when your face is shoved in the public arena every couple years. Saying that doesn’t help when this self-same spy uses the same name when he’s out in the field. I had heard the idea that the name ‘James Bond’ is generic and the replacement agent is given the same cover identity each time. It would be a lot easier to just pin a target to the unfortunate agent and let him get killed on his first inexperienced outing. The only saving grace for that option is when he gets promoted, retires or resigns, can resume a safe identity...assuming, of course, he can come down from the adrenaline rush of each adventure. I mean, every time there was a news report that would have required his attention, you can see the phone ringing in M’s office asking to come back into active service cos he can do better than the latest whippersnapper. With at least four previous ‘Bonds’ out there, that phone is going to get mighty hot. James Bond is reputed to be an extraordinary man. I’ve listed most of these qualities in the opening paragraph without repeating them here. He’s also given a lot of latitude in his habits and attitude with his superiors. In normal circumstances, with even a fraction of the success rate, Bond had shown would have got him promoted and even teaching the next generation. Strangely enough, he stays out in the field and isn’t even considered for such honours. It can’t all be adrenaline rush over the years and age would still have caught up with him. He might well be a sadomasochist and perverted enough to want to get his kicks that way but no one man is that lucky. Is there anything else we can dismiss before going onto Bond’s extraterrestrial origin? Bond has been wounded enough times to ignore the possibility that he’s either a cyborg or android. Q might be clever but I don’t think he’d let his creations out of their box if they weren’t returned after a mission. Besides, I think he’d have made a better job of it. Cloning is only a modern development and would take far too long to mature each body. I doubt if that American SHIELD director Nick Fury would give Bond access to the Infinity Formula he takes when he doesn’t let his former ‘Howlin’ Commandos’ and current SHIELD agents knowingly have any. Could Bond be a mutant of some sort? There’s been enough of them around. It could even fit in with the change of his physical appearance. The only problem with this particular detail is that anyone having such an ability would surely have used it to avoid being spotted during any surveillance duty. Equally, the same could be said if Bond was an alien. It would be too easy to use such an ability to get out of any jam. Granted the use of Earth-based technology could be used to disguise what was really used but there was never any sign of reliance n anything beyond equipment and whatever was to hand. Besides, there would have been too many people with him not to mention something to someone somewhere down the line. A lot of the above tends to go back to Bond being extraordinary than anything special except for one very important detail: his longevity and change in appearance. How many alien species can you think of that have something comparable? I can think of one off the top of my head. The only difference to other examples is that we haven’t seen a regeneration on screen yet or a TARDIS. What we have seen is the results of a regeneration over the years. Same physical shape just a younger body each time. With the potential for injuries over the years, a Gallifreyan regeneration is one of the few things that can be used to keep a body going and get a basic change of appearance with minimal personality changes. Such an event would be hushed up and in the world of espionage would be easy to conceal. Hell, people would even think it’s just a different person over the years rather than the same one. As I pointed out above, that becomes patentingly ridiculous when you start thinking about it. Most of the time, people wouldn’t have to think about it. Most of Bond’s enemies end up dead and anyone else involved either get reassigned or, dare I suggest, discretely vanish than to stay too close to the secret agent for long. As typified by other Gallifreyans who’ve visited Earth, they do have an affinity to this planet. Until his first regeneration on Earth, there would have been no way of knowing that Bond was from Gallifrey unless one did a full medical scan. The fact that he wanted to hang around and wasn’t attracting any alien menaces must have seemed like a bonus. Besides, that more eccentric Doctor chappie who kept popping up at UNIT seemed to have that problem solved. There wasn’t even an issue to bring Bond in to sort out that other Gallifreyan commonly called ‘The Master’ either. MI6 had ‘James Bond’ all to themselves and even had Ian Fleming as a writer to complete the mythology. There are other interesting comparisons to the UNIT chap. Bond seems to attract a female companion whenever he’s on assignment. He also has an instant grasp of technology after a very brief briefing by Q. All right, so he doesn’t carry a sonic screwdriver but no one says he has to be a scientist any more than it’s a requirement to wear flamboyant clothes. Certainly his flamboyant life-style more than makes up for it. James Bond is both a special and secret agent but MI6 aren’t going to say which. I doubt if even George Smiley can access the vault where Bond’s real file is kept. As to the whereabouts of his TARDIS? Who’s to say he wasn’t dropped off by one of his colleagues? It’s not every Time Lord who has this great desire to travel the cosmos even if they want some life-fulfilling action from time to time. Of all the aliens Bond could be, I think we should be grateful that he’s not a Mekon, been mysteronised or one of those squiggley-things found in the Antarctic a few winters back. Certainly, the temperate climate agrees with him so he can’t be a Predator and his tongue isn’t long enough to be either Gene Simmons or a xenomorph. The truth is out there but will never make an X-File. MI6 aren’t going to admit it to their agent’s origins either. James Bond, alien. You can see Disney wanting to buy his outer space and time adventures. I don’t think the BBC will buy it though, especially as ITV has the broadcast film rights. GF Willmetts
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OTHER CONTENT - January 2003
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An
interesting title, isn’t it? James Bond is an alien. How preposterous.
I mean what have I got to prove it? Other than the fact that the
secret agent has been around for over 50 years. 
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